The Dance of Grief

I have only once taken dance lessons, and did not continue, because whenever I had attempted to dance with a partner, I had always wanted to lead. I was left feeling as though it was just something I was not meant to be good at. And as my friends would attest, I was one who needed to be in control.

Before my late husband passed, we had begun to see a counselor to deal with the cancer. After he died, I saw her several times, before I was in an accident and shattered my leg. A few months later, I was able to see her again. This time I was maneuvering the world in a wheelchair, and was not able to go anywhere without another person's assistance. This was approximately 8 months after his death.

I shared with her about the accident, and that one of my dogs (Buddy, a black lab/wolfhound mix) had died since I had seen her last. I remember at that time thinking, I really did not know how much more I could take. I was grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of my mobility and independence, and my life as I had known it, when Buddy died. I shared with her that when my son called to tell me the news, I asked my care-giver to take all my pain medications and hide them. I did not trust myself, knowing the despair I was feeling at the time. I had no idea how my life was going to work again. I could not see that I would ever be as happy as I had been just a few short months ago. Buddy's death had just been the final straw.

She shared with me about another client she had had, a man who had lost his wife. She said that he had learned to cope by being willing to do the "dance of grief". She explained that there were going to be times that I might be overwhelmed with my grief, and one way to get through it was just to "be with it", and not resist what I was going through. At other times, I might be getting past the pain, and my life might start to look hopeful again. She told me to not be surprised if all of a sudden, I found myself overcome by grief again. It could be a song on the radio, seeing his family, going through his things, any of which could leave me feeling that I could not go on without him. And this, she said, was perfectly ok. She told me that most people do not know how to deal with another person's grief, particularly if it is months after the event. They don't know what to say, how to help.There are no time limits on grief, but funny how some people will think you should just be over it after a certain period of time.

So, I would be the one who got to say how it went for me. I heard from her that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You just do it until the pain is healed. It really was like she had given my permission to go through this however I needed to! She told me that if I was just willing to be with however itoccurred for me, to do the dance of my own grieving and healing, that I would one day find myself having moved on, my life full of hope, and maybe, just maybe, I would be happy again.

getting started

I am a 53 yr old widow, interested in finding out how people deal with grief. The last 3 1/2 years have taken me through a journey I was not really prepared for, when my husband died from a liposarcoma. Actually, he died from the radiation treatment for the liposarcoma. I had gone with him for his treatment that day, and I heard the radiologist tell him that he had "accidently" nicked his lung with the radiation. Two weeks later he collapsed in an auditorium of a high school, attending a meeting I had to be present at for work. He died there in front of my staff, my boss, students and members of the community. It was, needless to say, traumatic for everyone present that evening. Later the doctors would tell me, as a result of the radiation nicking his lung, he had had a pulmonary embulism, which had basically exploded in his chest, killing him instantly.

Sometimes it seems as though this all happened just yesterday, and other times, it seems a life time ago. There are days I can relay the events to another person completely dry-eyed and very matter of factly. Other times, I start to tell someone and I tear up and cannot stop the onslaught of emotions, and invariably the river of tears that follow.

My purpose in starting this blog is provide a place where others can share their journey through grief. I am particularly interested to know how others have handled the need to cry, the healing power of crying, or alternately, the need to suppress the crying. I invite you to share your story, or just an aspect of where you are in your journey to healing. I look forward to reading what others have to share!